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non-spoilery book 8 excerpts
“I’m not just grumpy,” said Valkyrie. “There is no just here. I am grumpy on an epic scale. I’m used to driving around in Bentleys and flying through the air. This walking thing is … silly.”
“I’d have to agree with that,” said Saracen from up ahead, shifting his bag on his back. “I’m evidently not as young as I used to be.”
“You mean you’re not as fit as you used to be,” said Ravel.
“Fitness has nothing to do with the soreness of my feet or the ache in my legs.”
“You’ve been spoiled,” said Shudder. “Too much soft living. You used to be tough.”
Saracen frowned. “I did? When?”
Shudder looked at Valkyrie. “He jokes. They all do. But Saracen is one of the strongest men I have ever had the honour of knowing. We were in Siberia—”
“Not this story again,” Saracen said, visibly squirming.
“Shut up,” said Shudder. “We were in Siberia. Our mission was to assassinate a man so terrible his own soldiers called him the Butcher. We tried, and we failed. We were forced to run, and got separated. When we regrouped, Saracen was missing. We waited at the rendezvous point. Nothing. The teleporter came to take us home—we didn’t go. Our friend had been captured by the Butcher. We had to go back for him.”
“Can we just stop the story there?” Saracen asked. “Leave it on a cliffhanger?”
“Nonsense,” Shudder replied. “Valkyrie should know the calibre of the people she now serves with. The Butcher had him for three days, Valkyrie. No one endured the Butcher’s interrogations for more than twenty-four hours. But, not only did Saracen endure, he found a way to escape. When we found him he had tracked the Butcher back to his home, subdued his wife and was waiting there for the Butcher to return. We found him, convinced him to leave with us that very night. He was almost reluctant, Valkyrie. He didn’t care that the Butcher now had a dozen of his best soldiers around him at all times—he wanted to stay and see the job through to the end. That is the kind of man Saracen Rue is.”
Vex was grinning. “Don’t you think you should tell him?”
“Tell me what?” Shudder asked.
Saracen made a face. “Anton … the thing is, you love that story. You do. Every time you tell it, you … you just get all proud. And that’s a lovely thing to see. But the story isn’t the whole, entire, actual truth of what actually, truthfully, entirely … happened.”
“I don’t understand,” Shudder said.
“The Butcher didn’t capture me,” said Saracen. “I never ran when the alarm was raised. I’d twisted my ankle, remember? So, while you guys took off, I hid. And, purely by coincidence, I hid in the Butcher’s own cellar.”
Shudder frowned. “But … but you subdued his wife …”
“Subdue is one word for it,” Ravel chimed in. “Seduce is another.”
Shudder stopped walking. “What?”
“She was really pretty!” Saracen said. “And she wasn’t happy married to him. How could she be? He was ninety per cent hair.”
“You spent three days with his wife?”
“While he was out hunting you guys, yeah. It was the safest place to be while my ankle healed. The last place he’d think to look.”
Shudder turned to the other Dead Men. “And you all knew about this?”
“We didn’t want to spoil the story you’d concocted,” Ghastly said. “It was really good.”
“Unbelievable,” Shudder said, and walked on.
“Anton,” said Saracen, trailing after him. “Anton, come on.”
“I used to be proud of you.”
“You can still be proud of me. I’ve done other tough stuff. Remember going up against Vengeous in Leeds? What about Norwich? They were some tough times. Remember the psycho sisters? What were their names? Cerys and Aspen, right? They were a handful.”
“Did you seduce them, too?” Shudder asked, not slowing down.
“No!” Saracen said. “Well, not at the same time …”
“I will never look at you in the same way again.”
“Ah, come on.”
“Anton,” said Ravel, “it’s really not that big a deal …”
“A man I thought I knew,” said Shudder, “a man I thought of as a friend, has been letting me believe stories about him that were mere fabrications. How did you expect me to react to this, Erskine?”
Everyone stopped and looked at him.
And then he grunted. “See? I can make jokes, too.”
~
Valkyrie crouched down and peered into the shaft. “It’s a hole,” she said.
The Dead Men were dumping their backpacks on the bank of the stream. The water lapped at Valkyrie’s ankles. She measured the opening. It ran from the tip of her elbow to the third knuckle of her outstretched hand.
She stood. “Are you sure we’ll be able to fit?”
Skulduggery was the first to come over. “I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he said. He had collapsed the framed under his clothes, reducing his size drastically.
Valkyrie glared. “I’m actually not worried about you. I’m worried about the rest of us. What if the shaft gets narrower in the middle or something?”
“It doesn’t.”
“But what if it does?”
“It doesn’t.”
“I’m just saying, it’s … it’s going to be very tight.”
His head swivelled to her. “You won’t get stuck.”
“But—”
“You just have to close your eyes and take deep breaths. Once we climb through, the angle of the shaft will takes us down fairly quickly. We’re not going to be in there for longer than fifteen or twenty seconds, and the dimensions remain constant for the entire journey. To be honest, I think we’ll be going too fast for you to have time to be nervous about the space. You’ll be fine, Valkyrie.”
The rest of the Dead Men joined them.
“Aw, hell,” said Saracen when he saw what they had to fit through.
Valkyrie gave him a half-smile. “You claustrophobic, too?” she asked.
“No,” Shudder answered for him, “just fat.”
Vex and Ghastly laughed while Saracen glared.
“I am a healthy weight,” he said. “I just … I might be a little too healthy to make it to the bottom.”
“If he’s staying, I’m saying,” Valkyrie said immediately.
“Neither of you are staying,” said Skulduggery. “Saracen, suck in your gut and you won’t have a problem. It’s Ghastly and Anton who should be worried. They’re the biggest of us.”
Saracen grinned. “’Hear that, Anton? Maybe instead of lifting all those weights you should have joined me in eating a few pies.”
“I’ve never lifted weights in my life,” Shudder responded. “My muscle mass is a natural part of my being genetically superior to you.”
Saracen looked at him, then looked away. “I have no comeback to that.”
Ravel was the first to sit in the stream and slide his legs into the shaft. “Oh my God,” he said, immediately tensing. “The freezing water has just gone down the back of my trousers. Perhaps we should rethink this.”
“Too late for thinking,” said Skulduggery. “Everyone get ready.”
Valkyrie pulled her trousers up as high as they’d go, then sat in the water with her legs in the shaft. So far so good. When everyone was in position, Skulduggery got to his hands and knees.
“Of course,” said Vex. “You just have to go in head first, don’t you?”
“I like to be different,” Skulduggery said.
The cold water lapped at Valkyrie’s back and slipped down her trousers. She winced.
“Not nice, is it?” said Ravel.
“I really don’t want to do this,” Saracen whined.
Skulduggery gave a shrug. “I’m not going to force you. I’m not going to order you. Instead, I’m just going to say one little thing, and this applies to all of you.”
They looked at him. He tilted his head.
“Race you.”
“I’d have to agree with that,” said Saracen from up ahead, shifting his bag on his back. “I’m evidently not as young as I used to be.”
“You mean you’re not as fit as you used to be,” said Ravel.
“Fitness has nothing to do with the soreness of my feet or the ache in my legs.”
“You’ve been spoiled,” said Shudder. “Too much soft living. You used to be tough.”
Saracen frowned. “I did? When?”
Shudder looked at Valkyrie. “He jokes. They all do. But Saracen is one of the strongest men I have ever had the honour of knowing. We were in Siberia—”
“Not this story again,” Saracen said, visibly squirming.
“Shut up,” said Shudder. “We were in Siberia. Our mission was to assassinate a man so terrible his own soldiers called him the Butcher. We tried, and we failed. We were forced to run, and got separated. When we regrouped, Saracen was missing. We waited at the rendezvous point. Nothing. The teleporter came to take us home—we didn’t go. Our friend had been captured by the Butcher. We had to go back for him.”
“Can we just stop the story there?” Saracen asked. “Leave it on a cliffhanger?”
“Nonsense,” Shudder replied. “Valkyrie should know the calibre of the people she now serves with. The Butcher had him for three days, Valkyrie. No one endured the Butcher’s interrogations for more than twenty-four hours. But, not only did Saracen endure, he found a way to escape. When we found him he had tracked the Butcher back to his home, subdued his wife and was waiting there for the Butcher to return. We found him, convinced him to leave with us that very night. He was almost reluctant, Valkyrie. He didn’t care that the Butcher now had a dozen of his best soldiers around him at all times—he wanted to stay and see the job through to the end. That is the kind of man Saracen Rue is.”
Vex was grinning. “Don’t you think you should tell him?”
“Tell me what?” Shudder asked.
Saracen made a face. “Anton … the thing is, you love that story. You do. Every time you tell it, you … you just get all proud. And that’s a lovely thing to see. But the story isn’t the whole, entire, actual truth of what actually, truthfully, entirely … happened.”
“I don’t understand,” Shudder said.
“The Butcher didn’t capture me,” said Saracen. “I never ran when the alarm was raised. I’d twisted my ankle, remember? So, while you guys took off, I hid. And, purely by coincidence, I hid in the Butcher’s own cellar.”
Shudder frowned. “But … but you subdued his wife …”
“Subdue is one word for it,” Ravel chimed in. “Seduce is another.”
Shudder stopped walking. “What?”
“She was really pretty!” Saracen said. “And she wasn’t happy married to him. How could she be? He was ninety per cent hair.”
“You spent three days with his wife?”
“While he was out hunting you guys, yeah. It was the safest place to be while my ankle healed. The last place he’d think to look.”
Shudder turned to the other Dead Men. “And you all knew about this?”
“We didn’t want to spoil the story you’d concocted,” Ghastly said. “It was really good.”
“Unbelievable,” Shudder said, and walked on.
“Anton,” said Saracen, trailing after him. “Anton, come on.”
“I used to be proud of you.”
“You can still be proud of me. I’ve done other tough stuff. Remember going up against Vengeous in Leeds? What about Norwich? They were some tough times. Remember the psycho sisters? What were their names? Cerys and Aspen, right? They were a handful.”
“Did you seduce them, too?” Shudder asked, not slowing down.
“No!” Saracen said. “Well, not at the same time …”
“I will never look at you in the same way again.”
“Ah, come on.”
“Anton,” said Ravel, “it’s really not that big a deal …”
“A man I thought I knew,” said Shudder, “a man I thought of as a friend, has been letting me believe stories about him that were mere fabrications. How did you expect me to react to this, Erskine?”
Everyone stopped and looked at him.
And then he grunted. “See? I can make jokes, too.”
~
Valkyrie crouched down and peered into the shaft. “It’s a hole,” she said.
The Dead Men were dumping their backpacks on the bank of the stream. The water lapped at Valkyrie’s ankles. She measured the opening. It ran from the tip of her elbow to the third knuckle of her outstretched hand.
She stood. “Are you sure we’ll be able to fit?”
Skulduggery was the first to come over. “I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he said. He had collapsed the framed under his clothes, reducing his size drastically.
Valkyrie glared. “I’m actually not worried about you. I’m worried about the rest of us. What if the shaft gets narrower in the middle or something?”
“It doesn’t.”
“But what if it does?”
“It doesn’t.”
“I’m just saying, it’s … it’s going to be very tight.”
His head swivelled to her. “You won’t get stuck.”
“But—”
“You just have to close your eyes and take deep breaths. Once we climb through, the angle of the shaft will takes us down fairly quickly. We’re not going to be in there for longer than fifteen or twenty seconds, and the dimensions remain constant for the entire journey. To be honest, I think we’ll be going too fast for you to have time to be nervous about the space. You’ll be fine, Valkyrie.”
The rest of the Dead Men joined them.
“Aw, hell,” said Saracen when he saw what they had to fit through.
Valkyrie gave him a half-smile. “You claustrophobic, too?” she asked.
“No,” Shudder answered for him, “just fat.”
Vex and Ghastly laughed while Saracen glared.
“I am a healthy weight,” he said. “I just … I might be a little too healthy to make it to the bottom.”
“If he’s staying, I’m saying,” Valkyrie said immediately.
“Neither of you are staying,” said Skulduggery. “Saracen, suck in your gut and you won’t have a problem. It’s Ghastly and Anton who should be worried. They’re the biggest of us.”
Saracen grinned. “’Hear that, Anton? Maybe instead of lifting all those weights you should have joined me in eating a few pies.”
“I’ve never lifted weights in my life,” Shudder responded. “My muscle mass is a natural part of my being genetically superior to you.”
Saracen looked at him, then looked away. “I have no comeback to that.”
Ravel was the first to sit in the stream and slide his legs into the shaft. “Oh my God,” he said, immediately tensing. “The freezing water has just gone down the back of my trousers. Perhaps we should rethink this.”
“Too late for thinking,” said Skulduggery. “Everyone get ready.”
Valkyrie pulled her trousers up as high as they’d go, then sat in the water with her legs in the shaft. So far so good. When everyone was in position, Skulduggery got to his hands and knees.
“Of course,” said Vex. “You just have to go in head first, don’t you?”
“I like to be different,” Skulduggery said.
The cold water lapped at Valkyrie’s back and slipped down her trousers. She winced.
“Not nice, is it?” said Ravel.
“I really don’t want to do this,” Saracen whined.
Skulduggery gave a shrug. “I’m not going to force you. I’m not going to order you. Instead, I’m just going to say one little thing, and this applies to all of you.”
They looked at him. He tilted his head.
“Race you.”